I am afraid of success.
Weird, right?
Nevertheless, sometimes, when I am at my absolute best, my contrary subconscious decides that, because I have taken so many emotional hits in the past, it’s time to deliver another one before the universe can. It’s an exhausting, unconventional way of exerting control. It’s also really unhealthy.
What does it look like?
I am a very talented rationalizer. I can come up with ways to justify a decision that no one has ever heard of before. Just off the top of my head, I’ve been known to tank my sleep schedule; procrastinate; jump down unnecessary rabbit holes; stop tracking food intake; stop drinking enough water (this is really bad for people with kidney disease); and skip grocery shopping so I order in more often, which is bad for both wallet and blood sugar. This kind of creativity is some of my best work. [Please note that I do not mess with taking medication or medical equipment.]
It feels a little bit like putting your left foot on the brake pedal while your right foot is still on the accelerator. Ever done that? Your car doesn’t like it. At. All.
A “successful” self-sabotage is one that no one can tell you’re perpetuating. You just skirt the edge of disaster, without doing any permanent damage. Cut it off before your subconscious is done with you, and you will find yourself in the same place too soon. Go too far, and it becomes a downward spiral. It’s a precise little dance, and it definitely helps that I live alone.
You may be wondering why I don’t work harder to avoid sabotaging myself. It’s kind of like having a food craving. A little indulgence goes a long way and prevents a dangerous binge.
So, how to get myself out of it?
Usually, these little spells don’t last more than a week. There was a time when they would last longer, but I am more balanced now. An event I don’t want to miss or screw up will come up, or my next planned trip to the grocery store will come around. I will get so tired that my body sleeps its way out of it. Or, honestly, I will just get tired of my own B.S. and go back to concentrating on building the success – professionally, condition-wise, weight-wise – and feeling good about it.
I know I said at the beginning of this post that it was weird, but this kind of thing is also not uncommon. For a lot of us who work hard balancing our conditions with daily life, we need to rebel against the part of ourselves that we feel is out of control. We need to set down the burden once in a while, even if it means we have to clean up the mess later. There is nothing wrong with these feelings, but it took me time, experience, and therapy to get it “right,” and it’s still a fairly dangerous proposition.
I don’t recommend it. If you absolutely must self-sabotage (and you are aware of this need), have a candid discussion with your clinician to help you figure out where you can push your boundaries a bit. At least you will have some strategies and oversight.
Note to clinicians: it’s counterintuitive, but helping your patients find a way to deal with these feelings will go a long way toward keeping them under control.