I know how this is going to make me sound, but I have a confession to make. The gratitude movement drives me nuts. For years, we have been told that taking time to list the things we are grateful for will do wonders for our mental health. Um, what?
Make no mistake. I am grateful for a lot of things. Mostly people, actually. But that’s already part of my psyche. I express it when appropriate, but realigning my life to display an “attitude of gratitude” feels fake and insincere. For two reasons.
First, the reason we are supposed to be grateful – to count our blessings – is so that more good comes our way in the form of a better attitude, good karma, or even better sleep. Should there really be an ulterior motive for gratitude? And the people who participate in the gratitude movement are often vocal about their practices, creating yet another “Look at me!” vehicle and a way to pressure peers into conformity even if they have reason not to be so grateful.
This is different from acknowledging that there are circumstances across the world that are much worse for others and that it is an accident of fate that I am where I am. I do not need to take specific actions or follow a set of recommended steps to do that. I just need to do what I can to help others, on my terms and within the capacity of my existing life. That’s how I can be grateful.
Second, the gratitude movement does not make room for those who don’t have reason to feel very grateful. When life gets unspeakably difficult, it should not include an obligation to find ways to be grateful. Should you feel grateful for having to work three jobs to support yourself and your kid? Should you feel grateful for a forest fire that takes everything but your life? Should you feel grateful for a drought that kills the business your family has been building for generations? Should you feel grateful for being born in a place that is perennially torn by violence? Should you feel grateful when the struggle with your medical conditions requires everything you have just to survive?
I don’t think so. It’s ok that a life isn’t always one we are grateful for. It’s ok that sometimes you just want to deal with the difficult things. Artificial gratitude isn’t going help you survive situations like those above. Strength, resilience, and hard work will. That’s you. Not circumstances. Not others. You.
I’m not saying don’t ever be grateful. I am an optimist. I have to be. But if I deny the hard parts by constantly focusing on what I’m grateful for, I’m going to start to resent it more than it will help me. There are two sides to everything. There was recently a hate crime in Canada where a driver purposely hit a Muslim family waiting to cross the street. Everyone is grateful that one boy survived, but I don’t think that boy will feel very grateful that he lived when the other four members of his family were killed. Not now, at least. Maybe not ever. At some point, perhaps he will feel both gratitude and resentment and rage and guilt all at the same time. I doubt that focusing specifically on the gratitude will help him through this awful event.
So, be grateful if that’s what you feel. If you don’t, feel whatever it is that will help you find equilibrium. (Yes, feeling rage over a bad situation can help you find peace.) Don’t force it. When it’s time, gratitude will come.