I am not a futurist. I hate that interview question where they ask where you see yourself in five years. Life has taught me that when I make plans, my body usually does something to throw a wrench in it – a new condition, and old one that needs attention. I really can’t say where I see myself next month, let alone in five years.
That being said, I am also a planner. I have a routine. Diabetes – and most other autoimmune and chronic conditions - likes routine, and they get upset when you step outside of that routine. Stay up past my usual bedtime and my body throws a fit. Like a toddler. Now that I am past 40, it’s harder and takes longer to recover from those fits. It’s just better not to provoke my monster.
Right now, I am having some real trouble with both the long-term and the (relatively) short-term planning. In the long term, no one knows what our reality will look like in five years. Surely it will be different, but how? Luckily, I just don’t have time to dwell on that.
On the other hand, what is life going to look like in the short term? My area (the National Capital Region consisting of parts of Maryland, DC and northern Virginia) will likely start lifting stay-at-home restrictions sometime between Memorial Day and Father’s Day. Which is great, but I am not sure what that means for me. The biggest thing for all of us is going back to work, but I don’t think it will be safe for me to go back to work in person until there is a proven, effective vaccine. Maybe I will be able to see small groups of friends, but sharing kitchen, bathroom, and work spaces with about 99 other people, all with unknown levels of exposure is not a good idea.
Vaccines take time, usually 5-10 years at best. Optimistic estimates place COVID-19 vaccine development at about 18 months. That includes the actual vaccine development and testing on different levels of animals and humans, first on a small scale, then on a large scale. I know everyone is anxious to have it and plans to accelerate the process are in the works, but is that a good idea? If it is a traditional vaccine, we are talking about injecting a weak or deactivated form of the virus so our bodies can get some practice fighting it before we have to fight off the full-strength version. Do we really want to inject ourselves with a relatively unknown virus without having a reasonable expectation of what will happen? I don’t, especially with a compromised immune system.* One of my rules is don’t be a guinea pig.
Does that mean I will have to work from home until September 2021? I mean, I wanted more telework, but not like that. I don’t think I am disciplined enough for that. Don’t get me wrong – wearing yoga pants and running errands when I need to would be nice, but I know I am most effective with a certain level of structure and oversight. The client I have now has neither the time nor the inclination to provide that. And will having to telework all the time be a negative on my annual review? Not overtly, of course. That would be illegal since it would be a medical accommodation. But there are ways to justify the negatives, especially if I can’t show my face. Literally showing up goes far in my industry.
All of these questions rattle around my brain in addition to the general coronavirus uncertainty. It doesn’t keep me up at night, thanks in part to a guided meditation app. It does add to my lockdown anxiety and amplifies my current self-sabotaging streak. (Don’t worry, I’m coming out of it.)
I am not sure how much more uncertainty I can take. I can’t believe I am saying this, but I need to know what the future is going to look like, what routine I can make of it and what changes I will have to make. I need to return to normal even if it’s not the same normal I came from. Sadly, I don’t think that is going to happen anytime soon.
*Everyone with an autoimmune condition has a compromised immune system. By definition, our bodies mistakenly identified an organ or a system as the enemy and attacked it until it was dead or at least severely compromised, and more than once if you have more than one condition. It may have been friendly fire, but it does not bode well for our immune systems’ abilities to identify the actual enemy and react appropriately.