I was about halfway through writing this week’s post and making something for the office bake-off when I realized that it would have been my mother’s 69th birthday today. Not only that, but the thing I was baking was her secret recipe cheesecake, which I hope will win me a glitter-covered wooden spoon tomorrow. (I swear you’ve never tasted anything like it. The cake, not the spoon.)
Instead of finishing the article, I would like to take the time to pay attention to how I feel right now. Mom was a chronic patient herself and an integral part of my development as a self-advocating patient. I miss her every day. Sometimes it’s gentle, happy memories, and sometimes, like today, it’s sharp and sad.
In the past, I would beat sadness into submission. It was a defense mechanism once. I have a lot of those, even though I don’t need most of them anymore. The problem is I don’t know what to do with them now. I don’t enjoy letting my emotions out to play. It doesn’t feel good and I don’t really know how. But delaying the emotional inevitable works about as well as neglecting the upkeep on your car. There’s always a reckoning.
So, please forgive the delay. For the first time in a long time, I want to see what happens if I just sit here and let myself feel.